01-16-04 - 5:08 p.m.
And the silver pink pony tells me, " You've come a long way, and you deserve to be really happy. -- Kimya Dawson
There is a difference, Bat says, between being content and happy. I have been both -- warmly satisfied some times and very joyous at others.
On Weds night my sister called me, obviously both depressed and distressed and begged me to visit Thursday. She's been sleeping from when she gets home from school to when she has to wake up for school, crying and feeling left out as her "friends" bail on her and living in boyfriend fantasies. She was so excited about the *prospect* of me coming, she begged my Mom for the day off. She was happy-silly-manic to see me. After lunch we stopped by the dollar store and bought what have to be two of the kewlest items: a sequent pink "flapper style" hat that attaches with elastic for her, and for me an award ribbon that announces "I like myself", which I pinned to my backpack with a "He's not my president" button. Walking home we composed an acapella "instrumental" piece where we took turns doing instruments, mainly me I boomboomch-ing the drums and her wawwowing the guitar parts. We each did bass solos. Then she got in her mind to do an outrageous operetic version of "America the Beautiful" -- well, why the hell not. We saw Donnie Darko our second time and pieced out the end together, and also rented a crappy French film about two gay guys in love.
I was happy to be crazy with my sister again. When I briefly occupied the computer around six, I heard her downstairs crying, and when I went down to comfort her she insisted she KNEW I only came to use the computer. What the hell was she thinking?! Of the whole visit, I spent 15 minutes total on there. She also wigged out when I said I had to leave around eight. Obviously, she is very lonely and unhappy. Hearing her that way unearthed a deep urge to be Big Sister.
Last night Bat said "I love you" of his own gumption for the first time I can remember in months. Even though we had a little spat twenty or so minutes later, it was resolved by bed time, and that one moment lingers although certain friends of mine suggest he loves me because we're having sex. The truth is, last night I got mad at him and accused him of not being attracted to me cause we hadn't fucked in 3 days. He was a little drunk and basically said "Ok, let's go!" Rambunctious sex. Last night I got to meet the "naked robot" who kept asking me to dance -- in German --as well as performing fake martial arts on me and picking me up.
Bat is wacky and hilarious both drunk and sober. He has a demented type of comic genius that I've grown into. There are little songs he sings, voices he does, ironic puns and palindromes he makes that are hard to explain. One of his common routines is the purposeful pretending to mishear me. "Time to jump into bed." "Bump into Jed?" He makes me feel very childish, which is quite a relief, to be so free and goofy, but also very adult at times. His laughter is very infectious to me, even when he's being a total retard (did I just type that), laughing at a slip of the tongue for five minutes.
We do discuss serious things, politics and art and ... not the meaning of life. That's too tired of a subject. Part of me feels right now that I am like a little kid playing house. Bat is looking for a new apartment for us to live together. I'm supposed to live at home every other weekend so he can tell his parents I'm not living there full-time. Ahhhh, technicalities. I also worry that he wants to get smashed on those weekends, but we'll deal with those later. I love him and for now he seems glued to me. He kisses and kisses and kisses me and begs me to sleep with him.
My classes seem quite invigorating, if potentially daunting and inviting some intense discipline pronto. One of my classes, the intro the English major, has a teacher who's been lighting my mind on fire, but has the distinction of giving the lowest grades in the entire department. Joy! Shakespeare also looks to be a challenge -- my first 4000 level -- both these and two others at a time I'm supposed to raise my GPA, but I believe I can do it.
We're still not officially together.
I'm really fucking happy, overall. I've had some self-concious, sad moments, but there's always arms to lay in at the end of the day.