06-15-03 - 1:37 a.m.
My grandparents came over today. I tried my best to be warm and affectionate and act like I was very glad they were here, but was in actuality very nervous. I could tell my Mom and Dicey were as well. We all sat together on the couch, and she kept whispering to me that my breath could kill a horse and that I should breathe out my nose. She ended up pushing my face away and I bit her hand.
"My, your family is indeed a three ring circus," Granma said. I was ashamed, but also angry at her. My grandparents are so conservative and withdrawn. They don't share themselves with us, and expect us to be like their other son's family -- Catholics and a house full of Precious Moments figurines.
I have so many opinions and interests they will never know or care to. They don't know about my music, they don't read the same books, and they'd rather not touch on un-happy topics such religion, politics, what future plans I have (they're probably afraid I have none), how I've been feeling lately (cause they know it's been difficult). . . Well basically, they didn't ask me any questions at all.
We went to dinner, and instead of talking to us at all, they just talked to my Dad, who was babbling on loudly as if no one else was around while the female members of my immediate family talked amongst themselves. Somehow, my mother managed to make several faux-pas, including mentioning some of her father's old phrases. Her father, my Pop Pop, used to say things like, "If you're looking for sympathy, look between shit and syphillis in the dictionary" -- actually, that's the one she said. When I asked my grandparents if they had any phrases only they said, they shook their heads. ((No expressions particular to their family? What are they, robots?)) My sister joked that Grandpa used the term "snotrag", and I think she offended them. My Mom also brought up the movie "About Schmidt" and what it says about "old people", and how everything they valued is now out-of-date or unimportant. Not only did they seem offended by her reference to old people (although, I think she considers herself one of them), they agreed wholeheartedly with the sentiment of the movie. All their values, everything important to them, has now gone down the drain.
I want to love them. Just fricken let me in. Scream at me! Show me you exist! I don't trust anyone who never makes mistakes. I don't trust anyone who never lets down their guard. They are like cut-outs or stock characters. PROVE YOU LOVE ME GRAMMA, GRANPA... BE PEOPLE!
