05-08-03 - 12:07 a.m.
Not everyone knows what it's like to deal with someone a little "neurotic"...but I think people know what it's like to live with someone neater than them, or the reverse. Bat's worldview is driving me nuts. I say "like" too much. I eat messy. I try and make things as frictionless as possible, to keep in mind the things that bother him, but I always end up doing something that does. I shouldn't take it personally, but I do.
I've rubbed my eye and it made a "disgusting" clicky sound, I've made a joke that speaks of some cliche that bothers him. I've put my panties on the piano and my feet on the pillow by accident. I've spilled crumbs, I've announced our departure at poet's group and made him embarassed when I should have been discrete. I've forgotten to wash my hands after I "touched" him. I've forgotten to wash my hands after I pet the cat. It all makes me feel like a giant fuckup... I don't know how much is him, and how much is my insecurity, but sometimes it makes me feel like he can't stand me. Sometimes these "offenses" he forgets a moment later (rubbing my eye), others will make him angry just for a little bit (underwear on the piano) , and still others will make him cold (embarassing him at poet's group.)
New Years, I drank in the morning (because I hadn't drank that night) and he didn't talk to me for several hours. In St. Augustine back in March I drank out of his straw after he asked me not too and got an hour or so of silent treatment. I hate it when he rolls his eyes, makes that exasperated sound and says, "Amy..." like I'm some kind of idiot. I should be able to take it by now but I can't.
He told me today he can't go on my family's vacation at the beach because he can't take my family. He explained he's done poorly with girlfriends' families before. Then why do I take it personally? Why do I take it personally that he won't live with me after six months, even if I doubt he would live with anyone after six months? How do I even know someone like this loves me?
I feel like SCREAMING...
