12-31-03 - 3:48 p.m.
My new year's resolution: quit smoking
Last year's: quit smoking
Do you mean it this time: Yes
Best times:
-- Talking with my Dad about politics, joking around, reciting Monty Python, playing Super Nintendo with him.
-- Hanging out with Mom was also fun.
-- Ocean City -- with and without Bat.
-- Christmas and Christmas Eve.
-- Valentine's Day with Bat.
-- the first time i slept over at Bat's family's house when they were outta town
-- the peace protest in DC, subsequent protests here, the bus ride, and the party after the protest
-- Ani DiFranco concert day
-- The first party at Lawrence's -- the "appleface" party.
Bad times:
-- mania and the subsequent haircut
-- Dad's heart surgery (July 25th)
-- taking those pills & throwing them up
-- break up / suicidal contemplation / big fight with Bat (sept 16th)
-- thanksgiving week (quitting smoking & fighting a lot)
-- between thanksgiving and christmas
-- bat's very alcoholic times
-- bat considering suicide
-- losing job at drug store
-- being rejected by Wolfe, Friday, Nash, & Cake.
I'm proud that:
I got an A in acting -- I left my comfort zone.
I got a 3.0 this semester.
I think of suicide less -- positive thinking.
I've gotten so much more gregarious and friendly.
I've written my best poems ever -- lots of poems.
I've become a better writer.
I participated in poet's group.
I've become more liberated from gender norms and societal expectations.
I stood up in what I believed in.
I've become more assertive.
I regret that:
I cheated on Bat.
I got such bad grades spring semester (F F D A).
I lost my job at the drug store.
Bat & I had such a messy breakup and I said some unkind things, not thinking.
I made molehills into mountains. I cried so much.
I didn't keep my nose to the grindstone.
I continued smoking.
Key people I met:
Lawrence & his party crowd, Noah
my lunch buddy Friday
poet's group -- Fish, Mark, etc
Casey
chef and one night stand, Dan
Tim, "ex"-schizophrenic and poet
peace protesters
PJ, the flaming eccentric Swede
How I've changed from last year or so:
I'm skinnier (a size nine), a I have short hair. I seem to be a lot more friendly, and yet a lot more misanthropic and distrustful -- but still very loving and caring about even some of my most causal acquaintances. I seem to be better at keeping friendships casual if the person doesn't seem to want to "know me." I am becoming more disciplined and learning how to drag myself to school regardless of how tired I am or how much I don't want to go. I feel especially concious of the fact that time is passing and I'm getting older and I want to "carpe diem"! The biggest change-effectors were probably knowing Bat (who was my best friend as well as boyfriend) and Dad's surgery, which put the entire family into upheaval. I am learning to stay more centered amongst the chaos that is my home.
My hopes for next year:
I hope to do very well in school and become more disciplined. I hope to get motivated in the direction of a certain career. I hope to have a job and live in an apartmenet with a roommate. I'd like a new best friend and to settle the entire Bat thing in my mind (most likely get over him.) I'd like to start exercising. I want to read lots of books, write lots of poems, and have a very experiential year, as this one feels it was. I want a new circle of friends and to spend less time on teh computer. I also would like to meet Doors. I don't want to date people I know I'm not interested in and be very picky about sleeping with anyone. And of course, I don't want to be smoking. This is, of course, a lot to ask for. But I think I can do it!
