11-05-03 - 2:26 p.m.
A diary entry of personal reflection.
I was a little hurt when I heard that later that night Zoe not only made out with another girl, but also had marshmallow creme licked off her breasts. I knew she was somewhat easy, but in my semi-drunken naivety I really believed what she said. I believed she had been holding out for me, in some respect, and was truly interested in me personally. I thought that she might contain her future behavior with the knowledge that she had, in my opinion, intimated a future bond between us. It angers me that she says "I love you" so often. It's not that I believed it... I simply know she doesn't love me, and hate that she can hold that she does. It occurs to me, though, that I may be holding expectations of her sexuality that I do not hold for myself.
Bat wants to get back together with me (or at least he brought up the issue.) I have very mixed feelings. I still care for him deeply. I consider him far superior to any man I have dated previously. I like him better than any man I know currently. If every man I knew currently became single, I would still not prefer anyone else. However, I have tasted the forbidden fruit of casual sex and singleness and am a bit wary to give it up. I don't really want to love someone new, but I feel a can of worms has been opened in the unleashing of my wild sexual desire. I just kissed my first girl. I might like to be involved with a girl sometime. I have a feeling that if I get involved with Bat again, it might become serious.
My shrink, who knows me fairly well, tells me that if I get together with Bat again it might be a lifelong commitment. I said, "I'm not going to marry him," and he said, "I don't believe you." Although I have proved myself disloyal, on some level I have always felt like I had a strong emotional commitment to Bat. In fact, I think that commitment will largely influence my decision. I have begged for him back. I do not want to toy with him again. I think it is also unfair of me to expect that should I reject him again, he will still be waiting around for me.
I do love him. I believe he is a better friend than I have had in my lifetime. It is hard for me to reject him based on imperfection or sorrow when I compare my experience with him to my relationship to my sister. That relationship implies that when I really set my sights on someone, I am capable of giving & giving & giving. I don't want to be told blood is different. In most cases I have endured a great amount of pain for someone I love. It is not because I am masochistic, but largely because in relationships (friendships included) I cause mental anguish for myself. I imagine betrayals and perceive false rejections. I have had expectations for how someone who loves me should behave, and these expectations seem to go beyond the average person's character, perhaps to the point of infringing on other's space. I think it is fair to say that as long as a loved one's intentions remain generally geared towards my happiness, success is possible. I strongly believe this of Bat. I think he is also possible of giving & giving & giving for me. In some cases, his own habits interfere with this but he has overcome a good deal of what he once considered his nature. There have been painful moments, but we all make mistakes in which we forget our priorities and intentions. Mistakes do not nullify intentions. Life is more complicated than that.
It is also notable that I did break up with him for reason. I think the fact that I have been much happier and much more functional has aided our situation greatly. I am still dependent on his friendship, but in not near the same way I originally was. I don't consider him my only-friend-in-the-world, although he is my best and only truly intimate friend. I *do* think there are other friendship prospects out there for me. Now I know there are alternate ways I can spend my time and various people I can spend time with. I have diversified.
This entry is getting long, and I think addressing the "cheating" issue further would make it more vague.
