12-03-03 -
My Dad squints a bit when he has to deflect a question he doesn't want to answer. He's been smoking again -- cigarettes even. He went through withdrawal this Thanksgiving like the rest of us. When we asked him about it, he said "No matter what I've done today, I've walked enough to make up for it." Four miles of treadmill from guilt. They put him on new drugs. His cholesterol isn't low enough, and I admit its partially our fault. We eat out too much. We bring too much food into the house. It's difficult for us all to be responsible for his health, and yet we curl up in worry over it. I don't have the strength to quit right now. I know to be a good person I should, but to be honest, on some level I'm angry at him. I also think that it could have happened whether or not me and Dicey were still smoking.
On another front, I am feeling some shame, and yes, even regret. I never liked Bat's roommate Joe, so perhaps I would have expected a confrontation, if I'd had many before, but I haven't. He smoked us up, and I threw water in his face. I don't even remember why. I assume it was another one of his classic semi-homophobic comments. I remember saying something about pussy. Joe is bigotted. Joe is frat boy material. I don't care what they say about alcoholics, but living with Joe makes Bat worse. I don't regret throwing the water, and yet I do. Joe said that he wouldn't ever let me into their apartment again, and if I called asking for Bat, he'd hang up on me. Yes, I've gotten myself banned. He says hes put up with enough of my insults, meaning when I'm drunk I call him on his racism and sexism. I kind of made fun of him for his talk about mushrooms, how he says it makes him become possessed by Jesus or something along those lines. Now Bat definately has to move, he says. New roommate, which will be hard for him in his hermitlike state. Well I suppose it's comforting that in the "me vs. the idiot" situation I win. I realize that a lot of my anger at Joe is displaced anger at myself, but I never really liked him although we both put forth the old college try to tolerate each other for Bat's sake. I have decided that since he has red hair and is five two, he is a leprechaun. Bat is understandably angry but confused.
We had a rather good time up until the marawana We watched KIDS and got drunk. It was Bat's idea we get stoned: neither one of us really liked it. It was quiet disorienting and dimensions were shifting. We had sex then, too, and it was rather surreal. I mean in a Salvador Dali type of surreal -- as in his penis and my hand were miniatures and situated two yards away from me. Remind me never to get sexually involved with someone when I am hallucinating. This was the first time I got drunk to relieve tension. I was so upset on Monday that I got upset and almost cried when we were picking out a movie and couldn't agree. We got along well after a few. Part of me regrets that we drink now. I told him I loved him several times. He told me he loved me too. I believe him, but the signals he sends out are very mixed. He had bought himself a new toothbrush, and me one too. As a so-called temporary entity in his life, why did I need a new toothbrush at his apartment?
We both regretted getting stoned the next night, although we didn't expect the Joe thing. Joe left a note that we read in the morning. I've put in the nuvaring again, I'm not sure why, and we had unprotected sex, good sex too.
Sometimes I tell myself I am going to revamp my life: be celibate awhile, be sober. I suppose that this natural separation from Bat, which shall continue until their lease ends in January, will help facilitate celibacy and sobriety. I am not sure, however, that I am ready to revamp my life.
It's very difficult to comprehend whether I regret behaviors because everyone else deems them risky or wrong, or whether I myself would not choose them.
I simply do what comes natural to me, or what seems natural.
I might possibly be part heathen.
