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01-23-04 - 9:13 a.m.

It turns out we’re not going to be living together, as much as I wanted to, as much as even he did. I have been free of my family and not lonely. I have gotten to see him and kiss him every day. We have the time and ability to fix any spats before the day is closed. We are constant comforts to each other as I live there. Yet, his family doesn’t approve of cohabitation and he is very afraid to rock the boat. He was raised very conservatively, and after all, they are paying for his apartment and his education. I cried a good bit about it and I could tell, I have been able to tell this entire time, that he doesn’t want me to hurt and will miss me when I’m gone.

I deny that love is knowing someone is the ultimate partner for you. Love is in the way we care about each other and wish each other well, care for each other and delight in each other’s company. Love is in sacrifices we will make.

BabyKitty o’ mine may be dying of an unknown liver problem of some type: I had to go home to visit her to say bye just in case. Her skin has sunken down onto her bones as if she’s a skeleton in a fat suit. She is bleeding from the mouth and being fed through a syringe. Her breathing is more like an asthmatic wheeze or cough. Although we were not close, I still find it sad, and wish we had spent more time together. My mother says she cannot afford a biopsy, and could not afford her chemotherapy in any case, so if she does indeed have cancer (she has a “growth”) she is in fact, doomed.

That said, my last entry was vastly misinterpreted, so much so I felt I had to get it off the record and to ditch the commentary, which I have rarely done before. Let me set the record straight: I do love Bat, despite sometimes feeling like I could not necessarily enjoy every one of his quirks for the next fifty years of my life. It is because I love him that I look past these things. Also I do not really want to have sex with random readers. If I wanted to have sex with random people, I could. I wrote down the desire instead of performing it because having sex elsewhere does not align with my true priorities or even true desires. I am more than willing to sacrifice sexual partners and opportunities for the time with Bat, and I feel in a way I have already begun to do so.

Ring a Ding, your commentary was very simplistic. Yes, I at 20 shouldn't be wasting my life, I and should be "strong" and go find my life-partner and have kids right now, it's so "easy." Calling me disgusting...you should have read some of your past comment posts!

 

 

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