10-12-03 - 10:40 p.m.
Let me just warn you that this entry is not for the weak of heart...or uh, males. It's explicit for me.
To quote the Vagina Monologues, "My pussy is angry." My pussy is angry because I don't know what it's supposed to look like. I got ejaculate in my eye (believe me, I avoided it) while being sexual with Dan, as well as having my mouth and his mouth in er, inappropriate places. After Wolfe said I should get tested, I began to worry about it a great deal, so much I approached the topic with my Mom. She said that neither Bass nor Dan seemed like high-risk candidates for HIV, and seeing as they are the only two people I have had unprotected sex with, I felt rather safe.
However, today I got a good look at myself and asking myself, "Hey..what is that? Is that my urethra? Are those little folds supposed to be there? Was it like that three years ago, the first and last time I looked? Is this an STD, or just some normal female part?" We don't see open-lipped vaginas in R-rated movies, from our friends, or in sex-ed classes. The vagina is whispered about and we get a downward view, but personally, I haven't done very much examination, and I'm beginning to wonder why.
Why didn't I look. Was it because I was taught I needed to approach it with a washcloth? Boys played with their "things", but that was "perverted" in my childhood growing up. There was no female equivalent to "weiner jokes". My parents never talked to me about masturbation, so the first I heard of it was in middle school. Before I learned what it was, I knew it was dirty, and after I learned what it was, I was glad I didn't do it. I only stumbled upon the practice myself through the advisement of a boyfriend. Thinking about this makes me entirely furious. I think, although I know it's unrealistic, we should not simply show diseased vaginas in STD class to scare girls away from sex. We should see healthy, happy vaginas so we know what to look for and what we're supposed to look like. We shouldn't be left with less information on their appearance than even guys, who have porn as a beginner.
Is that the solution then, to learn what we look like from airbrushed "examples" of vaginas tailored for a male audience in porn videos?I remember when I took photos of my vagina with a scanner. My my parents found out (groan, yes they found out) and they were extremely angry. Pornography was objectification. I don't blame them, but in a way, I wish I had more experience with pictures of women. Does it really have to be objectification, when the alternative is ignorance? In a way I miss the fact that those pictures gave me a good look at myself.
I haven't been to a gynecologist in two years, and I am now paranoid that I could have something. And my pussy is angry that I was never taught to learn about it visually, to explore it and learn its every eccentricity. My pussy is angry that my own ignorance could have injured it. Fuck it, what's up with the great "pussy mystery"?
