03-05-04 - 2:05 p.m.
Bat recently confessed his long-time lust to Robert; I found myself insanely jealous. He says he thinks now that it is no longer forbidden it will no longer eat at him. He thinks these fantasies will go away. I wish I could live in a world where I could pretend I was his #1 lustpuppet. I pleasured myself last night thinking of Ben, who he'd hate if he met, for revenge. What am I talking about -- I'm avenging his THOUGHTS? You see, I don't have any other friends right now, so I've been kind of lonely, and guess who's received the brunt of neediness...
I have become queen procrastinator, lady of heinous slothfulness. I have turned in a project to Mr. V late for the second time. I have given in to watching second-rate movies on the new digital cable. I have given up quitting smoking for a spell. I realize now that I consume too much coke. I don't write enough poems or read enough books. Commuting seems to leave me exhausted. I've been morally bankrupt enough to consider cheating on the Sosh takehome. I would rather do almost anything than sit through that class, and sometimes I do.
I am going to Bob & Lawrence's because I am very lonely & need to unwind and party. I am afraid it will be awkward as I've been very flirtatious. Will it even be fun if I'm not kissing anyone? A little part of me is afraid I will be disloyal, but I need to be able to learn to resist temptation, even with a little alcohol in me. I love him, and I know giving him up wouldn't be worth fuck from every person there (hmmm, although that does sound interesting.) I wonder if they think I'm a slut? I'm sure I'm not the only one who's done this. Wwill I approach Harrison and say, why didn't you call me, why didn't you like me, why didn't I matter? & will I wish that things were different with Bat, that we liked the same people?
Lately I've realized, with Bat's help, that when I drink I am horrible, embarassing. I interrupt. I say inappropriate things. These things seem at check one on one, but when there is a third party (Robert's loquacious brother, lauding his own artwork, ready for an arguement) he ends up angry with me. I am so easily upset about Bat lately. I can't seem to think clearly about anything.
That night, the night with Will "L'Artiste", I ate scrambled eggs for the first time in my life, no joke. We talked about whether humans adapted quickly, about diaries, about...I forget. Bat was lost in the crossfire. Then I felt like a real fuckup. I can't even treat my own boyfriend right. Finnegan decided to hate me because I wasn't doing a good job of drunken petting, and her rejection felt like a demented sort of straw that broke the camel's. I wanted to burn myself, but even drunk I was too chicken. I ended up with some first degree little red marks. It was one of those BAD drunken times, like I used to have back in August or so. I would try to devise a way to die so that nobody'd notice, then always resign myself to the fact it was impossible. I felt like I was crying without tears -- too dehydrated. Bat was & is bewildered. I haven't been my "normal cheery self", so to speak.