11-11-03 - 2:56 p.m.
They say if you're lonely, then you're in bad company. I can't stand to hang out with myself tonight. I shall cuddle up to a book on the oppression of males and whisper sweet words in its ear. I already got myself off three times today, so that is hardly the issue. I may maintain my celibacy, even though Bat doesn't want me, but we'll see. It's become my favorite drug as of late. I suppose it's not really loneliness, I can think of things I want to do -- especially books I want to read. I have quite the long list. I suppose it is disappointment. I expected to sleep over with Bat, or at least he alluded to it, but then told me he was not in a good mood. Then told me he doesn't want to get back together with me after all, which I did not expect. I acted very benevolent about it. The graceful loser, where you concede, "You're right. It's better this way. I barely mind." I have bunches of new numbers in my phonebook but don't know who to call when I'm not feeling very happy or peppy. What I would like is to get drunk and conquer my fear of being an alcoholic. Well, not really the second one. I can't reach Nash and I know I would appreciate his company -- I was pondering it previously anyhow. Wedsnesday would be a better night. I may spend the night on his couch. I know that would be suggestive, but I really love talking in the wee hours that much.
Bat and I, we're probably both right, it needed to be this way. I love him. I can't imagine who in the hell I'm going to find, but it's time for some singleness. Dating is like digging through a giant discount bin, looking for a bargain. I'm coming off someone who was a large portion of what I wanted in a man, and so my standards for love will be high. Yes, this will give me more time to get to know other people. This will give me more time for myself.
These are things I should accept, and while I know they are logical, I don't emotionally feel them as true. I know I left it up to Bat to decide. I'm aware that I could have resisted sex and slept on the couch instead. I didn't have to ask him how he felt about the situation and have him say, "I love you." But internally I just want to punch him. That boy could melt me in a moment. When he was talking about killing himself, I seriously considered if it was possible I might love him more than Dicey. To be honest, this consideration scared the hell out of me, and I'm not really willing to make a concession either way. It seems almost evil if it's true. That said, I love him. He said being in bed with me made him want to cry.
Now he says, "When I meet a girl who knows Charlemagne Palestine, I just can't look past that." That's what he said. Yes, I know it's illogical but I'm pissed. (Warning: about to go mildly off rocker. Big rant ahead you will not possibly read.)
I've grown to love so many things you do -- musically, poetically. I've tried to understand. I've tried to listen. I've tried to explore and share. So I don't like Palestine. So I prefer narrative experimental to looser experimental poetic style. Let me ask you, darling. Will she grab your ass and chase you around the room with a t-shirt on your head? Will she call you at 3 am after you've threatened suicide to make sure your'e still alive? Will she get excited about your family just because of your connection? So she likes Palestine. That's nice. Is she frizzy red-haired, bad complexion, figureless and boring...like you said about Jade yourself? What will she give up for you? If you have the same sexual issues you did with me and Carrie, will she wait weeks so that you don't cringe in disgust sometimes when she touches you? Will she wait months till you feel comfortable enough for sex? Will she ignore your neurosis? Will she bring you little care packages when you're down and make sure you eat? Will she laugh at your stupid puns? Will your face take her breath away? Is she political? Does she read scholarly works? Will she make you laugh? Will she want to fuck you almost every time she sees you? Would you like her without her hair? Would you tolerate her insane sister? Will your parents like her better? Maybe she's smaller so you'll feel like the big one. I bet she doesn't feel self-concious on top. She gives better head. She knows when to shut up. She'll respect your boundaries. She won't be messy. Never says the wrong thing in public. Doesn't talk about sex at the wrong time. Will never cheat on you, even if you deny that you love her. She doesn't care that you're a ne'er do well. You will drink yourselves to hell and back together and have nothing but fun. The new girl won't take it personally when you withdraw and will give you eons of space. She won't but butter on her veggies or drink Coke. She doesn't smoke. Maybe she speaks German?. Oh, and she likes Charlemagne Palestine.
