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11-23-03 - 11:20 p.m.

Noah's hotel room party was a mixed blessing. I came early, thinking Noah and I would talk about the status of things. I knew Noah was interested, and had the feeling he expected a relationship, and I was not interested in that. I was afraid to breach a topic that would make both of us nervous, and conveniently forgot. I would have said something, well, let me say I never expect to be interested in someone there. I thought the party would be a small sampling of Lawrence's friends, who I know and feel no feelings for.

I struck up a conversation with a guy named Casey. He was skinny with that socially-inept tech student manner, but his glasses hid these beautiful green eyes with a bit of gold around the iris, complex striations in different shades. Real "windows to the soul", or at least his sincerity. I used my special drunken talent of bringing up serious issues casually and breached the subject of depression, leading to a conversation I didn't expect. Alone and with his friends, we talked about all our favorite subjective things with no right answers.

In my (not-so) special style of drunken courtship, I asked him if he would make out with me, and he said he would if the moment were right. I ended up offering out massages later, and Casey took me up. While we were working on each other's backs, we talked quite intimately. Casey is very much still in love with his ex in New York. After the massage, unsuprisingly we felt comfortable being pretty touchy, by which I mean he held me a bit. He's the right size for me to fit perfectly with his body. Then we turned and layed there a foot away from each other, whispering back and forth. Everyone else at Noah's hotel room party had left, but I was completely oblivious. I, who had planned on crashing, begged Casey to stay and he said he would.

Can you see what is wrong with this picture? I did not catch any of Noah's passive signals while caught up in the infatuation o' the moment. Noah complained about there being nothing to watch on TV. Noah complained about being tired. Noah rejected my offers to play a game. When I went out for a smoke on the porch, I saw through the glass door Casey and Noah were having a little talk, then Casey putting on his coat. Casey knocked on the door, "I gotta roll," and he wouldn't even wait for me to finish my cigarette. Of course, I balked, wondering what I'd done.

Apparently, Noah had asked him to leave. I lamented over his departure and he offered I come with him. I asked Noah if he would feel rejected if I went with Casey, and he got noticibly torn between being polite and being angry. His face went blank and stern. He intimated that Casey and I had been engaged in inappropriate behavior, or would be. I found myself in the middle of an awkward choice of where to spend the night. It was 4 am and too late to go home. Out of instinct, I chose Casey, both attracted to him and a little annoyed with Noah. I left my purse in Noah's room, and when I came back to get it, Noah was trying to communicate but couldn't. He said a little, and the words he couldnt' say came out with "Well" and lots of gesturing, as if that would convey it. The truth is, I did know what he wasn't saying. Casey and I talked a good deal that night. We spent the night spooning in his bed. I'm still not used to kissing with tongue, or being held by someone larger than me. The new was pleasurable but intimidating. We had un-sex sex this morning. *Cough* Since I do think that counts, I've hit double digits.

After calling Noah, I pieced the situation together. I, forgetting that Noah was truly interested, had gotten really flirtatious with Casey. I felt that because we weren't making out, we were being good. I didn't notice it was just us three. Noah felt jealous and unhappy watching us hitting it off so well. I inconsiderately trampled the poor guy's feelings. Noah liked me so much he named it as Casey's fault, clueless Casey. I still feel feel guilty, and to be honest, a little ashamed of myself. No one has given Noah attention, and so he got more attached than he is willing to admit to himself. He is not as detached as his words. I don't want to be a man-izer. I want to be hedonistic only when it hurts no one, and those are some hard to balance values. Noah says my affection is not as cheap as tawdry as Zoe's: only I know that it can be. But I don't care so much about that as much as the fact that I do share one thing in common with Zoe for sure. I share in common the fact that my over-flirtation has the ability to confuse men.

Casey promised me we'd talk again. And...I got a lot of other things on my mind. I'll talk about 'em later.



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