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01-08-04 - -

If you didn't know him any better, you might thin Bat was a very uncomplicated person, if you witnessed him quietly making us hasbrowns for dinner in his barren little apartment. He has decided to move to a more westerly part of town, and when I expressed my own desire to live there, he said "Sometimes I don't see why we don't live together." While I have thought on both how fabulous and how awful such a thing could be, I was enthusiastic in the affirmative. "I think it would be great," I chirped, "I may not give you enough space when I'm here -- but that's cause I don't see you all that often, see. In real life I spend hours and hours on my own, and so you would have all the time to yourself you wanted. And, we could watch movies together." Hmmm...extra details to convince him. "We could take turns making meals."

He offered we sit on the couch, as if that were something to do to occupy the time. Now, it may just be me, but I associate the couch with making out before finally grabbing him and pulling him into bed. Apparently he feels similarly. He should have known he was opening a can of worms when he said, "I must admit, I have a lot of sexual desire for you right now." I am not a priest who takes confessions, but the woman in love with him, so it's hard to let things like that go. At his request I let him lay down next to me and put his arms around me, sporting an erection through his pants like I have not seen since highschool. He smelled me, and I smelled him... his scent was sharper somehow. I felt very aware of his body when I touched it, the first time in a long time, flicking the curls between my fingers, taking the time to trace the outlines of his ear, resting my cheek against his neck, brushing my lips against the silky places. It was me that iniated the first kiss, and he returned it frantically like in the movies. I wasn't that surprised later, when we were ripping off our clothes.

And I shouldn't have been surprised when all of a sudden he realized what he was doing and ceased to be aroused. This all occured a ways after he pleasured me, so I had no complaints in that area. But even though it wasn't his fault, I felt sexually rejected -- like it was the fact that he couldn't have me that made him want me. Bat could tell how I felt and hugged me and reassured me. I dragged myself, pouty and brooding, to the car for the movie Big Fish. We got home, ate ravioli, and drank a bottle of wine. We played "Strip Scrabble" and let some serious moments of seuxal tension dissolve. I almost convinced him to go outside naked in below freezing weather. I think he has secret exhibitionist tendencies. I slept with him that night, and in the morning, which lasted into the afternoon, I held him with all my might and told him I loved him. He said he loved me back.

We have an understanding that this is a platonic love we are talking about. Any other love for me has been unspoken or referred to as his "other feelings." If he implied more, he might have to act on it. Maybe I'm looking too hard into things. Maybe it's just that I'm his friend and sexual partner from way back, but today and yesterday I felt he was in love with me. He says sometimes he himself doesn't see why we're back together. It's my moods, he says, my instability. True to form, last night I cried and cried. He mentioned talking to a girl on matchdoctor and I saw another girl in my place. I thought of all the men who had used me. I let Rez and Dan take advantage: Nash and Harrison I really was interested in and seemed to forget. I wondered if Bat was using me. Bat had gotten four hours of sleep before, and couldn't keep himself awake to comfort me. Please forgive me for it, Bat, I was drunk.

He's not sure he likes this confusion, and neither am I, but what are my choices, anyway?



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