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01-20-04 - 2:14 p.m.

I feel like my conciousness is turned up full volume. The public trans station this morning smelled waxy and sour, like vomited crayons. Red suede shoes contrast pink feet nicely. Dial soap and Vo5 do not smell like scents we expect from the color orange. I am learning to distance myself and take a more artistic viewpoint. The piano notes are crisp and clean and survive on their own, then blend together, bleed and overlap like watercolors as fingers crawl across them. I am that kind of content. I want to capture it. I want to find a new way to make a record that is not so clumsy. I am trying to cut down on the mushy love stuff, as studiofreek put it in my guestbook. I have driven my baby crazy expressing the enthusiasm of my affections. Things are unsure now -- such as whether we'll be living together. There are unseen complications that I should have expected. I want to take all my time sucking the marrow from the bone of life, and I am tired of my own cliches.

I am embarassed about how afraid I was that Bat's friend Nate and their two friends have taken up coke. I tried to be tactful in refusing their persuasion, even joking to Nate "stop bugging Bat about the coke -- he needs to spend his money on me." I try to distance my disapproval of coke from my perspective on these new people I've met, people who were nothing but friendly to me. Bilja in particular conversed with me quite a bit, and responded to my come-ons tactfully with talk of acknowledging urges and being your true self. All this was despite the fact Bat's DJ, Don, is her "life-partner". Afterwards, thinking about it, I felt bad that I let Bilja and Don go out and get us cigarettes. They were entirely geeked out. I'm trying to dissociate with the many things that happened that I would like to forget. Bat spent a good part of the party puking -- in the bathroom, outside, his car. I made a comment about a "big cock" that embarassed him. "Sounds like the piano's been drinking."

I remember how I took AJ's sarcasm as compliment when he was telling me how smart I was. I remember Heather's boyfriend hitting on me as she left. I danced and danced and danced and I took Gerti's teasing for compliments. I swang my booty and spun and jammed and got freaky like my life depended on it, more so than anyone can really blame on alcohol, and I still remember how good it felt to be myself that moment. I never get sick of shakin' it like a polaroid. Bilja's smell was heady and herbal. She resembled a sort of confused librarian -- long hair, glasses, disjointed fashion sense -- but with a very look to her. I remember wanting to kiss people and not doing it and being very worried when I couldn't find Bat anywhere. I remember when they asked who Bat was I said 'a jacket, long hair, very sexy.' I suddenly noticed it was five at some period in time. Eventually we slept in the car. I was proud to call Bat my boo. I like the way some people's dimples crack open when they are about to smile.

I like living these days.

I want to take pictures without ruining the moments. I want to write it all down as best I can.



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