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02-22-04 - -

I woke up with stuffy head and achey bones. It’s as if I jinxed myself; just a week or two ago, after being chastised for a perceived lack of cleanliness, I argued that Bat got sick more often than I do. He said there was no way he believed that – beyond the evidence that I ate food I dropped on the floor, he “remembered” me being sick a good deal more. Well, I hate to admit it, but he wins. But let’s hear a round of applause to the aid of this illness in helping me cut down and hopefully quit smoking. I am so tired that I have lost the taste for noxious fumes for the day. Better that I stay sick before I regain it.

The house has been a little wild. Last weekend, Dicey's brand-new best friend carved her a tattoo. Dicey's brand-new best friend convinced her to have cybersex a friend of hers. Then her and a few of their brilliant friends sat in *our living room* drinking vodka... Someone's Mom found out about said vodka and came over to claim it. My Mom has been a bit of a mess. I finally convinced her to attend therapy by telling her that it woudl make *me* happier. I hope that one of the first things she learns there is to take better care of herself. There's been a lot of crying around, anyhow, a lot of fighting. I have told my parents that I plan to stay angry at Dicey for either the next entire year or until she's done acting up -- an anger strike of sorts. My explanation is that I have already forgiven her "seven times seven times seventy" (Biblical reference.)

Well, last poet's group I attended, I got drunk-- I mean, so drunk I threw up once we got back to the apartment. Worse, I was the only one drinking over a glass. I ended up interrupting a good bit, and upon further reflection (read: Bat's chiding) I decided to humble myself and send emails of apology to Row, his girlfriend/fellow poet Chris, and Fish. In his reply, Row gave me a long list of instructions to repair my poor behaviors, including being off topic. But when Chris replied, I realized I did a lot more than I realized. I told her with her hair tucked in she looked like a "chemo patient." When the new guy asked what Chris' old poetry was like, I said it was "poems about squirrels." I stole her chair when she was in the bathroom. Furthermore, she went on to say that all my annoying behaviors (IE, interrupting) seemed to be focusing on her as if I held a grudge or was singularly trying to hurt her feelings. The truth is of the matter is, I can be a big idiot but had no malice at all. I was drunk, and thus said what came to mind. When I get anxious, I happen to get talkative, and some pretty stupid things come out of my mouth. I called Chris personally to apologize, though, and she seemed as understanding as is possible.

I discovered that in the last update of the website, Row, the self appointed head of the group, removed my name from the page. Whoops? He said it was because I didn't give him any material to post on the website, but it seems like a passive aggressive act. Members who have not written anything in two years or so remain on the site. Now, I think it may have something to do with what happened with Chris (sigh) but we also had "some words" shortly after Bat & I's breakup. Row had instructed me, almost warned me, not to come back until Bat invited me. Otherwise, he reasoned, using my powers of influence over Bat's will, I might force him to bring me back, and disrupt the delicate balance of poetic discourse. Later I received another instructional email in which he called me "desperate", and accused me of continuing correspondence with the poets in a sideways attempt to blackmail my way back into the group. This angered me into calling him "poet police" and "the king." In any case, I didn't come back to poet's group till Row gave me permission -- and we didn't even ask him until Bat and I were solidly and officially together again. Funny, Row and I never seemed to have any issues before the breakup. Apparently though, our reuniting did not fix things.

. I am not sure I want to stay in the poet's group with these rivalries going on. I also have not written a good deal lately, partially because I have had no confidence in myself to produce work that the APG will enjoy. The previous two events both caused a good cry apiece.

You may notice no more comments, different layout. It's not a mid diary crisis...rather I lost gold and supergold.



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