03-07-04 - 7:07 p.m.
I have not yet even seen him, and already I am trying to wash my hands like Lady Macbeth. Best not to tell him, everyone says, he will not understand that your will is weak when you can barely walk. I don't want to lose him or him to hurt and everyone says, don't tell, that's selfish, suffer through your conscience. I can imagine the sick feeling that will come over me & the nagging and I think it is horrible imagining it. Happy Spring Break.
After eighteen drinks (maybe less)-- well, if I had taken my two prescription drugs that night or been twenty lbs light I figure I coul've gone into a coma or died. I also coulda killed myself as previously described. Bat says I can still drink, just be careful in certain situations. Still, quitting for good may be in order. I don't know exactly how an agnostic does the twelve steps. Today -- two days later -- I wa sstill sick all day long & physically consumed by anxiety and fear, still feeling suicidal occasionally and wishing I had never been born. I am so scared of the choices I have to make or the sacrifices and ...I never chose to be depressed...did I choose to be an alcoholic (am I?) when I don't even buy my own alcohol? It seems unfair -- what I'll be missing out on -- if Bat is really an alcoholic himself, will I lose the love of my life, the one true friend I've had since gradeschool -- will I end up telling him, then lose him? Will I have to be concious, 100% conscious, for the rest of my life, thinking full speed ahead, plagued?