11-07-03 - 11:01 p.m.
I talked to Wolfe several hours the other day. He wants to swim with a manatee. Says he is still and quiet and it will accept him as one of their own. That image makes me happy. There are two things I love: when funny people get serious and suprise you, and when serious people get silly and surprise you.
The other day I looked at my toes and for a moment thought I had an extra one. I had to count them. I think things are becoming more trivial. I'm worried about money. It will be very hard to get a job in retail with shoplifting on my record. I read sixweasels and got the brilliant idea to be a sex toy avon lady. Wolfe was right on that one. I think it would cheapen me. I don't know what people would think of me, but I don't think I'd like it. On the shoplifting topic, refraining to pay the fee that a civil service collection agency requested for repayment of goods. I already paid the $25 I "stole" and my lawyer told me that paying it would be an admission of guilt. Plus, it doesn't guarantee me any safety from arrest. I was considering many weird options for money.
Wolfe also freaked me out about the possibility of STDS. I went to the gynocologist today. It is never that pleasant of an experience. They always tell you the speculum won't hurt, and it does. A cold internal pinch. Paper clothes. I always psych myself out into thinking that I have genital warts and not noticed it, or HIV. It will be two weeks until I get results back. Apparently my vagina looks just fine, though, which is comforting.
My sister read my diary, and told my parents about sex with Rez and Dan. I am getting constantly reproached for that. My mother says I have lost my spirituality, my sweet nature. I think I am getting healthier and simply comfronting my nature. However, I am currently refraining from the urge I have to systematically find sexual partners. Part of this plan is to refrain from calling Noah (hot Thai guy from the party.) He would satisfy my weird fetish of wanting to screw sexually inexperienced guys. I don't know what it is, it couldn't be very sexually satisfying. Must meet some weird emotional need to be worshipped.
I think that Bat and I have a good chance of getting back together. The one thing that worries me is his relationship with alcohol. I've had such immensely good feelings when I've been with him lately. I can truly be a kid with him. Chase him around with a shirt on my head. He can guess what I'm about to say and mock me for it. Our chemistry is completely different from the way it was six months ago.
Wolfe is trying to reform me as usual. I am always wrong, and he is always right. To a degree I think I am finally listening and trying to get a little closer to reality. I don't know how long it will be until someone pops the bubble that is my intense naivety about human nature.
Wolfe says sharks turn him on -- because they remind him of people.
We've been talking on the net & phone for over a year and he still won't meet me. It's probably a two hour drive. I don't care. If I could drive, I know I would do it. If I could ride public trans there, I would. Although Kyle's plan of having me transfer between two different buses to visit him in Bumblefuck appeals not at all.
