11-19-03 - 7:53 a.m.
Yesterday would have been our one year, and Monday night I was pretty fucking down about it. I thought about calling Nash and soliciting another drunk-and-screw, but I didn't. I'm proud of myself for deciding to spend the evening in, quelling my addiction. Rez convinced me to spend part of the night with him last night. Afterwards, he said I should "withhold more" because the way I was holding out was turning him on. The truth is, I was totally non-responsive because I didn't want to fool around and I didn't want him to kiss me. I did enjoy talking with him a bit, and I think as a sexual conquest I have gotten all I could from him. Rez's latest angle was to try and get me to be a sexual teacher to him, because I complained so much last time. I must say, officially, that I think Rez is unteachable unless perhaps you love him, which I don't and never will.
By the way, I must mention that Bat went to an AA meeting. I haven't asked about it and probably won't. I have my fingers crossed, but his sobriety would be a miracle. The truth is, I don't think he's ready. I don't think he's totally accepted he has a problem. . Furthermore, depending on what meeting he goes to, they could "god & jesus" him to hell and back. However, I'm hopeful that he even considered going. I haven't really detailed here just how much he has been drinking. In the summer he said, "I think if I could just get ripped one night a week, I'd get it out of my system." This semester he clearly discovered he could not get it out of his system. I'm not exactly sure how much he's been drinking, to be honest, only that he himself has begun to worry about it. I would estimate that he gets flippin drunk five nights a week and tipsy the other two. I really think it's tiring him out and depressing him.
I can cope with daily life much easier than I thought. Apparently both Rez and Bat expected me to crack. The morning was hard, but I survived the day with no escape mechanism, except a self-made gourmet meal and some books. I know it's not much, but I surprised myself.
I really miss him.
