05-06-03 - 12:40 p.m.
It's no small task to keep my focus on the good things with Bat. I think I'm very sensitive and he's pretty difficult, but what Lane said after Chuck broke it off brings it all home. "He'd rather sleep alone than with me." Chuck probably doesn't think of it that way, he probably has brainstormed some beautiful, amazing, non-existent lady he thinks will sleep with him at night. In reality, he will probably now be sleeping alone, or with far less amazing people because of his mistake. There's no way I'd rather be sleeping alone than with Bat, as much as he fucks with my heart and mind. In fact, the last time I was as alone as I am now, I was sleeping with people like Bass just to protect me from total loneliness. I know such behaviors weren't healthy for me, but it wasn't just the issue of sleeping alone but of having literally no one besides my preoccupied family. I know there are lots of people out there in the world, but I can't fall in love with all of them. And who else do I know that could make my day just by being there in the morning? I doubt he sees how close I get (in my head) to throwing it all away, and that's probably good. He would think it means he's not valuable when it's only the way my mind fluctuates. The truth is I would be doing it to save myself from interacting from one of the people I love the most.
My friend Lane in California lost her boyfriend, she has no job, isn't getting along with her parents, can't stop crying. I know she would think it condescending for me to say, but I feel like I've felt exactly what she's feels. I've felt like my life was a waste. I've felt like my life was a dark canvas with small splotches of joy, and it wasn't worth it. Mainly I get through it now telling myself I will feel better, but it's been hard so many times to see that, and even now I wonder if I can only buy that explanation because I'm doing fairly well. Well, I can't seem to say the right thing in this situation. I remember how pompous it sounds to be told you're going to get better when someone couldn't, doesn't know how bad it is. Yet I know, most likely, it's true...so what can I do. I've resented so many people for disbelieving me. I don't want to invalidate her woes.
(lyrics)
i
am thinking it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images and
when we kiss they're perfectly aligned
and I
have to speculate
that god himself did make
us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay
and true
it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away
when I am missing you to death
-- "such great heights", the postal service
