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10-08-03 - -

Today I saw two daddy long legs mating. They were conjoined, walking as one. A third one was trying to fight the male of the two, win the woman over. I guess the inferior third got me somehow, anyhow.

Manic depression. Feeling meaningless. Ben saying, "Run away, because someone that depressed will be depressed again." Feelign I am just as bad as Bat is about it. Smoking so much I almost threw up. A massage. Conversations about sex. Masturbating in the ladies' room and being late to school because of it. Sex with a casual acquaintance, Dan, whom I was not all that attracted to. Or perhaps I was and am ashamed to admit it. He is not beautiful. Fantastic orgasm anyhow. Magic fingers. He's 32 but we're both heartbroken. Intimate conversation. A look of awe at my nude body. Will Bat ever know? Should Bat ever know? He won't. Now things are really over. Things already were over, I bet. Today I did want to die -- not urgently so, but I felt like I'd like to be blown out like a candle. I did not sleep last night.

An Ani DiFranco concert with Him tommorrow. He doesn't want me. He wants me to let go. I suppose I didn't do anything wrong to Him perse by getting involved with Dan. Although He'd be hurt, He's basically said we'll never be together again. This is my life. Why am I in school? I'm not doing near good enough. Why always the bipolar cycles? I called Him at 4 am and woke Him up to make sure He was still breathing. He thinks I'm crazy. Yet he doesn't say, "Silly Amy, I'm not going to do it."

I want him back. I'm afraid any relationship I have will be this fucked up because I am bipolar and any partner I have will probably be depressed also. After all, Fell says depressives will only bring you down. I could stand Bat's depression, but not the withdrawal that accompanies it. And especially not the alcohol. Drunk every night for three weeks. He needs me but won't admit it. We both have to grow up, I suppose. I don't know why I'm alive but for other people.

My sister is at least a little anorexic. I want some true friends, people who love people. I'm glad I may meet Wolfe. Little things make my day. Not today. I cried because I ruin everything. I told my Mom. She said I wouldn't sleep with strangers if I loved myself. I could have picked at least someone hot, someone my age. Not someone desperate. I think I was attracted to him because he is so much like me. Dan probably will not care.In fact I know he won't. I don't want him too, either.



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