10-07-03 - 9:26 a.m.
This is a flash entry, not a detailed and graphic recount.
Bat was seriously thinking about killing himself yesterday morning. When I saw him at five to give him his care package, he told me this, and knowing I was the only one who knew (and I love him very much) I told him I *had* to come over. I spent about two hours making dinner (yeeks) and afterwards we went into his room to talk.
I asked if I could hold him on the bed and he said yes, well, okay. I kissed his cheek. He kissed my neck. We kissed on the lips. We kissed and kissed and kissed and I held him tight. I was a little drunk, so I told him about what happened with his shirt.
I said, "What do you want most in the world right now?" He said, "To be dead." I just held him, and he started to seriously weep. I'd never seen him like that. He said he felt like a failure -- he's disenrolling from school. No school, no job. *I love him so much* and am sorry if what I did with him confused things more for him, gave him more to think about. "I love you." "I love you too...but we're not getting back together." He said, "I wish I could feel like I wanted to be with you the same way you do...I used to.."
I said, "Kiss me in case this is our last kiss." He did. I hope to God it wasn't, but I had to reassure him many times that either way I'll care about him. I don't know what I'd do without him. What have I done to him?
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