10-07-03 - 11:27 p.m.
"Mmm, my best friend," he said during our last hug last night. Was that meant to tell me we're "just friends?" He seems adamant about our "broken up" status, but I can't help but feel he is a large chunk of my world. I hope I can still win him over. This is not simply because I have some deficit. Not only was he directly responsible for great joy in my life, but he opened my mind to new intellectual and poetic roots that caused me further joy. I admit, some deep sick codependent in me also craves being needed. In any case, if I must let go, I hope it is not a long, drawn out process as it has been in the past.
At this point, I am avoiding all the really "satisfying" coping mechanisms. The biggest thing I can do at this point to make my parents and myself happy is to succeed in school. Therefore, I cannot drink on my own. I have a raging sex drive (the kind that makes me late to class because I have to sneak off and uh, fix it). Yet I am not going to have sex with random people. It's a concern that I might regret it, but moreso it would ruin my chances with Bat... I don't want to have to depend on these things, either. I have, however, been chain smoking. But what's a girl to do? Can't overeat, I barely eat at all. Too manic-depressive to sleep all day. All the fun things are ultimately one's downfall. At least smoking takes time to catch up with you.
My Mom is complaining that of all the people who have been suffering, I care about Bat the most. Although I have not written about it, this is entirely unfounded. She didn't see it, as she was out of town, but I spent this entire past weekend taking care of my Dad and sister. It was precisely during this time that I lost touch with Bat enough to miss the fact that he was going down the drain. I don't regret being there for my family in any way. They are of great help. They listen, they cheer me up, and they encourage me. I say this despite some displeasing fights with my mother as of late.
Even after the instability between us, Bat has insisted on buying me Ani tickets as an early b-day gift. He even suggested I could bring my sister instead of him if I was uncomfortable with his presence. I don't think there is manipulation in this, as he has nothing furhter to gain. It's just because he truly wants me happy. Bringing Dicey would perhaps be more practical, as I anticipate Bat hating Ani as much as Dicey loves her. The thing is, I want Bat to see how much I enjoy this and just how excited I will be. He doesn't exactly need rejection right now, either.
I talked to Wolfe today. One of the fabbest things about him is his compliments & his criticisms seem equally accurate. Also, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air made him cry.
