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01-04-04 - 10:59 p.m.

"Well, I don't get so melodramatic about it," Bat said, and I calmly told him to fuck himself and hung up the phone, trying to ignore his callback. I proceeded to cry and then kick things around and throw them. I took a little ceramic angel from my great aunt and a hammer outside and neatly and precisely smashed it into little tiny pieces. Quitting turns me angrier than I can remember being.

I started to think about all the unjustices Bat has done me -- and they are real, too, ladies and gentlemen. I thought of all the times he pushed and pulled me around, accidently or no, used me and all the crying I have done. So I told him on the phone, calling him back, that maybe I didn't want to be friends anymore. I asked him to come over so we could "square things away." I read him the riot act. He devoted a great part of his energy to keep the tears welling in his eyes from spreading. I felt like an awful bad person and the next day decided that him not being my friend is not an option. He gave up being with his awful racist roommate for being my friend. He drove over last night just cause I said it was important. The truth is, I kinda OWE him my friendship after all he's given me in return. Secondly, it's barely even a choice. At this point it's hard for me to conceptualize my life otherwise...although, will I ever just fall out of love with him? Maybe we need a clean split overall? Thinking about these things makes me feel sick.

So I saw Noah last night of his accord, not mine, and I was nervous there'd be romantisexual tension but he didn't come near me, though I know he wanted to. I think sometimes I'm sweeter than I want to be with him cause I think I should be. He was embarassed because I said the word "dildos" when his Mom was in the other room. It was hard to remember we weren't alone, cause their house was as still and quiet as a mauseleum. It was kind of creepy, how untouched things sat. It was very nicely decorate, too -- like a mall with it's elaborate Christmas village or the display of Holiday barbies. Funny, they're Buddhists and they outdo our decorating in celebration of the secular holiday season.

I'm seeing Rez on Monday. Our conversation online is honest and truthful. I'm hoping somehow I can tap into that sincerity, break past what he calls "the emotional iron curtain." We have been sexually involved (and he still talks about it) but I think we can really be genuine friends now. I have made clear my lack of sexual intentions and I think Rez is a good person. We're probably going to drink and listen to Boy Hits Car.

School is starting a week later than I thought. To be honest this break is wearing at me. I'm doing such a shitload of nothing with no one. I want to get back to school and talk to someone briefly everyday. I can accomplish something and have a hope of meeting new people. I thoroughly dislike being bored, and it only happens when I am stuck physically or emotionally. In this case I am literally living almost entirely from my bedroom and this computer room. I've been letting myself sleep through the days while my frustrated parents try to run me on several errands and cure me of my uselessness.

Recently Casey seems suddenly disinterested in me -- he's back with his girlfriend although "not exclusively." Harrison hasn't called me. I've think I developed a small crush on him. Is it too late now?



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